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By Ehijoshua (Jboss) → Thursday 12 April 2012

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By Ehijoshua (Jboss) →

jokes by ehijoshua

Stupid people awards

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

The 1997 nominees are:

NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."

Yet Another Darwin award candidate - or pair of candidates -- this just might be the winner!

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jokes by ehijoshua

By Ehijoshua (Jboss) → Wednesday 11 April 2012

jokes by ehijoshua

Stupid people awards

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

The 1997 nominees are:

NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."

Yet Another Darwin award candidate - or pair of candidates -- this just might be the winner!

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jokes by ehijoshua

By Ehijoshua (Jboss) →

jokes by ehijoshua

Quotes from stupid 03

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."

Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV

"Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV

"Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio

Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment."

"Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4

"Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV

"Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."

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jokes by ehijoshua

By Ehijoshua (Jboss) →

jokes by ehijoshua

Quotes from stupid 03

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."

Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV

"Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV

"Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio

Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment."

"Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4

"Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV

"Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."

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By Ehijoshua (Jboss) →

news

Sect kills secret police officer in north Nigeria

Posted on April 3, 2012 by Vector

Authorities say suspected gunmen from a radical Islamist sect have shot and killed a secret police officer in northeast Nigeria.
The attack happened Monday in Maiduguri, where the sect known as Boko Haram once had its main mosque. Witnesses said the officer of the State Security Service, the country’s secret police, was killed while getting a haircut.
Ahmed Abdullahi, the head of State Security Service in Borno state, confirmed the killing Monday.
Meanwhile, authorities in Kano say suspected gunmen from the sect killed two sect members who had been arrested by vigilantes. That came as the military said two women were killed by soldiers’ stray gunfire in the city during a sect attack Sunday night.
Boko Haram is waging an increasingly bloody fight against Nigeria’s weak central government

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news

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boko haram news

Boko Haram’s Violence Moves Southern Nigeria

Posted on April 3, 2012 by Vector

Nigerian security forces raided a bomb-making factory allegedly belonging to Islamic rebel group Boko Haram on Sunday, killing at least nine insurgents in the process.
One government soldier was also killed and two were injured when state forces clashed with militants in the Okene district of Kogi state, about 180 miles south of the Nigerian capital of Abuja.
According to Nigeria’s Vanguard newspaper, Boko Haram members opened fire on police after the authorities discovered the facility, but with the help of a military helicopter the security forces took control of the factory.
“There were some skirmishes between some hoodlums and the military,” Jacob Edi, a spokesman for the state governor, told Agence France Presse news agency.
The governor of Kogi state said on Sunday that his government would provide medical treatment for the injured officers.
The raid was significant not just as a victory for President Goodluck Jonathan’s Joint Security Force, a highly criticized national security team made up specifically to combat the Boko Haram insurgency, but also for the location of the factory.
With only a few exceptions, including the horrific Christmas Day church bombings in Abuja, Boko Haram has only been active in Nigeria’s Muslim-dominated north, where the group is believed to benefit from some popular support. However, the bomb-making facility was the second discovered in Kogi in a week, an indication that the rebels are making inroads into the country’s predominantly Christian south.
Boko Haram has been active in the north since 2009, but the group has unleashed an unprecedented wave of violence in Nigeria over the past year, and the deadly raid in Kogi was only one of a number of attacks over the weekend. An explosion and a shootout shocked the city of Kaduna, the capital of the northern Kaduna State, and a local government official was assassinated in the city of Maiduguri, which has suffered mightily from the militants’ violence.
Three police stations in the northeastern state of Yobe were burned to the ground on Saturday. According to reports, militants drove from the cities of Potiskum to Ninger setting regional police outposts ablaze. At least two people were killed, although the details of the deaths are not clear.
”The attackers then moved to a police outpost on the outskirts of the town, which they subdued with explosives, and burnt it down,” Yobe state police spokesman Gbadegesin Toyin told AFP.
“We can’t speak of casualties because of the darkness and the fire burning at the police station, which make it difficult to ascertain those affected in the attacks.”
More than 1,000 people have been killed during Boko Haram’s quest to turn Nigeria into a Muslim nation. As a testament to the group’s increasing strength, about half of those deaths occurred in 2011 alone and another quarter in the first three months of 2012.
“We are … only fighting security personnel and their agents. We are not fighting poor Nigerians,” Boko Haram said in a letter to the residents of Kaduna, despite having killed hundreds of civilians — both Christian and Muslim — in the past.
“Our members are being trailed and killed on one hand, and on the other hand, some people are telling us to surrender our arms and come out. This is impossible.”

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boko haram news

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jokes by ehijoshua

Quotes from stupid 01

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

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jokes of the day

Dane Cook: Wish I Was a Snake

I have some dreams. I wish I was a snake. I do. Did you ever wish you were a snake? Yeah, you do. I do. Every time I see snakes on TV, I'm like, 'Oh, why not me?'

Read On»

posted June 27, 2000

Jokes Tagged:  animals (978),  Dane Cook (29)

Dane Cook: Peace Time During Mass

Peace' is when you would shake the hands of all the people around you. The only reason you knew 'peace' was coming was 'cause the priest would say, 'Peace,' like five times, rapid fire. You'd hear him; he'd be, like, 'And the peaceful...

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posted June 27, 2000

Jokes Tagged:  religion (551),  Dane Cook (29)

Dane Cook: Not Shaking Hands

You know what you were doing while [the priest] was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, f**k that guy.'

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posted June 27, 2000

Jokes Tagged:  religion (551),  Dane Cook (29)

Dane Cook: The Dance Club

Women go there to dance. They get all ready in the mirror with their friends. They're like, 'I just need to go. I just need to dance. I'm serious, tonight -- no guys. Screw guys. I just need to -- I've had a rough week, and I just need to...

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posted June 27, 2000

Jokes Tagged:  men/women (1833),  Dane Cook (29)

Dane Cook: Restroom

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

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posted May 25, 2004

Jokes Tagged:  poop & pee (228),  Dane Cook (29)

Dane Cook: Caution With Windex

I'm going to tell you right now, please, when you use the Windex bottle, never put that s**t halfway. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here. Don't do that. Bad things happen to good people. I know somebody here is gonna be like...

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posted June 28, 2000

Jokes Tagged:  technology (506),  Dane Cook (29)

Dane Cook: By a Round of Applause

Comedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how...

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posted June 27, 2000

Jokes Tagged:  pop culture (849),  health (812),  Dane Cook (29)

Dane Cook: Want to Be an Alien

I want to be an alien. The movie 'Aliens' -- isn't that the best, those aliens? You don't mess with those aliens. They're bad-ass looking. They're always wet and sh*t. You don't mess with that. If I got on the subway like that, you wouldn't...\

Dane Cook: How You Know You're Drunk

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

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In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.

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jokes of the day

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